October 10, 2010 -

I had decided to end it all. Enough stress, enough bullshit—I was done. I left work that night with the plan of playing chicken with a tractor-trailer should also note I was walking this night. Well, the world had other plans. On what is usually a busy truck route, not a single vehicle passed me.

I got home and started planning again. It was going to be tonight—it was going to end no matter what. At the time, I was living at my father's house and didn't want to leave a mess he had to clean up. I came up with my next plan: taking a bath and cutting my wrists. No mess.

I sat there writing my goodbye letter when I received the text message that changed my life. It was so stupid, just asking, "Hey, did you know so-and-so was drinking?" But it ended with, "I miss you. We need to hang out soon." Those eight words completely saved me, knowing someone wanted me around still.

That night when that text message was sent, the sender didn't know the impact it would have. I closed my laptop and tried to sleep. The next morning, I told my father about the night before and that I needed help. That was the first time I had ever seen him cry. We went to the local hospital to be checked out... but I was still alive.

The Second Time

The next time life got so bad, I was in the middle of my divorce, trying to figure out life after and how split custody was going to work. I already felt like I was going to be missing half of my kid's life. I had to drive 25 minutes to work every morning, and with the depression sinking in and the walls closing around me, I felt that tug to just say "fuck it" and end it all. Why make my kid go through the divorce process, having to "choose" a parent?

I picked a big tree on my drive route—I was going to end it by driving as fast as I could straight into it. Within a few days of choosing that tree and planning it out, the world had other plans once again. The morning I had picked, I sped up to 90 miles per hour and was ready to go... but the tree was gone. All that was left was a pile of sawdust.

At this point, I realized I'm better off alive and started coming up with ideas to help others. So I created "Dude, Just Talk" and Dudejusttalk.com. I felt like I never had an outlet a place to vent a place to be scene, I'm hoping with this organization that we can help Men be seen and heard understood and accepted. Like sucks sometimes a person to listen is all you need.